I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
