i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
