why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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