This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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