When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Need sex. Gaining weight.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
