i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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