Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
