That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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