I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We left the knife in your bed.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
