What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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