I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
