i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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