Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So many bounce houses so little time
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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