a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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