i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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