my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
