what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
