You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
