Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
