no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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