does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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