there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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