i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
