I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
