Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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