thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
