i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
