May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Randomize
