You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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