I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
