I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
