Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
