Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
