a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
a search helicopter?!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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