Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
