Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
