kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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