it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i've created a new STD.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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