At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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