1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
