hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
