you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
tell me about the eggs
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