This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I love you.
Bad choice
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
