Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize