I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
