I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
