he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
