she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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