please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I enjoy the company of your penis
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
