I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
