I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize