Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
