you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just threw up on my dentist
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
