i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
