Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
